Bravery is when you trip and don't know how to get up, but figure it out as you laugh at yourself.

Superfly

Today I don’t know...... I don’t know my ass from my elbow, what to cook, who to call, if I should do laundry, clean the house or sit still. I just don’t know. I've’ been walking from room to room in my NYC 2 bedroom walkup mansion. (West wing to the east wing, also known as the kitchen to bedroom). Back and forth. It sucks! I’m in a place of stasis. I tried to write and instead I went to the supermarket to find food to cook as I listen to Radiohead. Smmh! It sucks! Did I say that already?

So today I’m going to write it out. Because when I can’t and I don’t, it feels worse than constipation. I digress.

I may live in a bubble, be hiding or aloof. If I do, and maybe I do, I do so to protect myself from well-meaning advice givers giving me their burden. I talk to very few. I keep my circle small. It’s a life thing. It’s a, I’m on life support thing, and I can’t have you pull the tube thing. People, (sometimes) mean well or think they do. But a word to the wise, when you're treading water for days in the big ole ocean, and you ask someone to throw you a lifeline please don’t tell them what they're not doing right. At that moment, they are going under and they will curse you out; for the unsolicited platitudes of (“ you should or you need to..") in case it hasn't occurred to you, they've thought it and tried it all already. Just throw them the damn life saver thingy.

Where am I going with this diatribe?...Who the hell knows....

Okay,....it’s to say this.

Losing is tough, but losing is brave when you dare to show up and try for the umteenth time. It's called bravery.

I remember as a child ( Jeeze, I'm getting old). I didn't care what anyone thought of me ( or so I’d like to think,.... just let me have my delusion). I remember tripping on a crack, falling in the street, being embarrassed, called crazy by my friends and laughing the hardest. I tickle me. I am my funniest person. I am my biggest champion when I get out of my way. I am my biggest full out failure when I fall on my face, skirt over my head, underwear showing; holes and all. But I am also my biggest winner when I try my hardest to be my best. I hate when people say how is that writing thing going? As if I need someone else's mountain to climb for me. Then, like a damn fool; as much as I hate it, I give them a synopsis of my latest accomplishments not to seem like a loser.

You see, my ongoing weekly rejection from publishers and editors and producers are not enough. I need to add more to my list. You say, who cares?......unfortunately I care, but I have to stop caring........ Folks, there are no merit badges given for success in another persons eyes. None........None! So Bugger off!

So, today, as I was wearing out my hardwood floors in my 3rd floor walkup mini mansion; I realized I have always done myself a disservice when I say, I'm a Jack of all trades and master of none as a disclaimer. I am, in fact a Jack of all trades, because I’m curious. I can do a little of a lot of everything, even if I don't like it; because I'm curious. Curiosity is a gift and masterful. You cannot write or create if you are not curious. Curiosity is life evolving.

Life requires improvisational abilities, it requires the grace to let go and run with it, it requires bravery especially when you don’t feel brave. That;......... that kemosabes, is the secret sauce. Living life is the bravest thing you can do. It’s facing failure and fears and falling and getting up and feeling stupid and shy and lost and not knowing but still you can bend and seek and ask why, where, who and now what? It’s showing up when you can’t or don’t want to. It’s pouring your soul out on a piece of paper and hoping someone reads it and appreciates it, or, knowing they will be skipping it because it’s too long and boring. It’s waking up after you’ve lost everything and deciding to stay in bed rather than face the day. It’s walking from room to room and not knowing. It's holding on to your life support in the bubble. It’s brave to be who we were created to be on any given day in spite of, despite. It's brave to be a Jack of all trades. It's brave to walk clueless as I've walked and will walk. I know I may have triumphs with abysmal or hopeful consequences . But today I’m brave and will be brave. Tomorrow, when I'm in the dark place, I'll read this and remind myself of what I've forgotten. This is my truth so far.

See you on my next thing when I walk the mansion floors. Be brave. Love Jack.