When a fall change of wardrobe might mean more than new shoes.

I liken the end of Summers’ heat and cosy warmth into the grey and creeping cold of fall as a plague befalling me. The looming dark days of winter’s bitter frost and fear of hat head. The annoying imbalance of fluctuating temperatures flip flops my moods and saddens me. I’m a mess. I’m an island girl born in December who hates winter and lives in Harlem NYC. I thrive in the summer months and grieve in winter. An anomaly. So I’m always resistant to the change. I resent and grumble at the artificial heat of my much too hot apartments’ radiators blasting. So I leave the windows open and freeze. But then I recoil from the outside because of the chill in the winds. In my stubbornness, I miss out on the unparalleled beauty of my beloved open spaces, trees and sky. The changing colors of leaves and their radiance in the beginnings of the yearly spectacular show. In my self obsessed hubris I like to think I’m open to new beginnings and wondrous moments but when I do venture out to the park and it’s open skies on cloudy chilly days and the peace comes like an old lover, I’m gobsmacked by the breathtaking vistas of this inevitable change.

It’s like these Enzo Angiolini shoes I had for over 15 years. I loved them so much I bought two in different styles and colors. They were on sale because this girl never buys full retail. One tan and one brown. 3 inch high heeled shoes stunning to behold that I could run in, dance in, work in and be in for 8 hours and not one pinch. They were a staple. Plus I rocked in them. As often happens with shoes they were retired to the closet shrine as my needs changed. Then one day they were resurrected for an important interview and so now it was time for the girls to reappear and do their magic. One unfortunately blemished with times of overly happy bar days. The other was still perfection, so she I wore.

I got dressed and coiffed ...perfection of the golden days of the dynamic duo. Unfortunately, by the time we got to 5th Avenue and 46th Street we were at war and I could barely walk. The heels of my shoes were almost parallel to the sidewalk. I wanted to strut she wanted to lay down and die. "Oh god!" I thought "I’m never going to make it!" She was crying “mercy” I was willing “come on bitch stand up straight”. She could no longer support me. “Fiend scoundrel” betrayal at its finest hour. I resented the fact that I knew she did not have it in her at the onset but psawhed to suit my needs. Now here I was all golden and perfection trying to strut down the street of all streets and I was looking like I couldn’t walk in high heels which I was born to. “Treason” I roared in my mind. The horror, the inhumanity to my ego, my shame.

I was indignant. How dare she cave inward at this moment. It was a feat of monumental proportions. It was a struggle of a Jedi mind trick using every muscle in my body I didn't even know I had. A testament to my will over her impending demise, we made it there and back home again. I was pissed and sad because she was done. She'd said “bitch you on your own now, my days are done. You should have listened when we skidded across the bedroom floor this morning. I can no longer support you.” Still an image of perfection, her heels I acquiesced had danced and ran more miles than she could now carry. I was tempted to keep her but I knew. Resistance was futile. It was time for new shoes.

So today I suited up in my layers. Laced up my black angel Nike and ran a different run. I ran next to the river glistening in the cloudy grey light. Lined with majestic trees proud of their afro centric colored crowns. The crisp wind blowing leaf eddies dancing like Will O Wisps around us and as I crossed the bridge and looked beyond; I cried for my friend. The Universe whispered trust and accept. My runs will never be the same. The sun that warmed my heart in Summer is always there; it may for a time feel different. So Alex, today as I ran into the fall of winter I could only do a few miles, but tomorrow I promise I'll try to do more.

Goodbye my beloved friend. I will miss you and love you always.